Why I did what I did, Why I am where I am

If I had to have one more sponsor-provided cocktail, witness one more wannabe-model/fashionista-socialite posing like they don't care (when they do) or talk bullshit to one more person I didn't give a shit about... I would've puked on my shoes and shot someone.

Heaven and an Angel

What do you get when you cross a Kitten with a Bunny?

GO AHEAD, EVOLVE.

ONE DAY YOU WILL FEEL WHOLE.
AND YOU WILL REALISE IT'S THE REASON YOU ARE HERE.
IT WILL ALL BE CLEAR.
IT'S ABOUT DOING IT FOR SOMEONE ELSE.
IT'S NOT ABOUT GETTING LOVE.
OR GETTING ATTENTION.
THESE STUPID THINGS YOU WASTE YOUR TIME ON
TO MAKE YOURSELF FEEL WORTHWHILE
FOR WHAT? TO MAKE OTHER PEOPLE FEEL BAD?
TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER?

IT'S NOT ABOUT GETTING.
IT'S ABOUT GIVING...
EVERYTHING
LOVE
ATTENTION
YOURSELF
TO SOMEONE ELSE.

This Is It.

Everything is always getting better. Always. There is always something better right around the corner and if there's not, go make it for yourself. Go find it for yourself. You might have to hunt it down like an animal to it's lair, skin the bastard, stuff it and hang it on your wall, but for Godssakes it's there! Sorry, that might be a brutal analogy for the pleasant point I'm trying to make... But you know what I mean.

I was on a train to Paris once. Quite a defining moment. I locked myself in the bathroom cubicle of the Eurostar, curled up in the foetal position in my fur coat and just rocked myself back and forth while I cried so hard I puked into the toilet. I tried to call my mum, my bestfriend, my sister, but the reception wasn't good and anytime I got through (on a shitty connection and in my state) no one understood a thing anyway. I remember thinking I don't want this anymore. I don't know what I'm looking for, before finally just saying out loud "I just want my happy ending now please, I'm tired". I was tired. At 22, I was tired. And I was sick of trying just so hard. All the time.

So I cleaned myself up. Got into Paris. Bought a freakin' croissant and a coffee, did my job and the next day I went back to London.
...Where I booked an airline ticket, told my agency I was leaving for a little while, packed a bag and in less than 24hours I was in New York. My ex offered me a spare room in his apartment to stay for a few days. Which turned into a few weeks because a point was reached that quickly in that weekend space of days filled with giggles and tea and bubble baths and breakfast in bed and sex on the hour that I stayed longer... partied too, ate with friends in my favourite diners, shopped for lingerie in Barney's, made trips with the boy to YSL (My favourite) and Dior (His favourite), wandered around on my own, stared at the new snow out the window... It was a blur of beauty and fun and safety and satisfaction and though there's since been a lot of shit in between- A lot of hard, lonely, complicated shit that a lot of people would have no idea about- I'm now here.
I'm HERE.
Here is Love. Happiness. LIFE. I have an awe-inspiringly gorgeous daughter with that man, a beautiful man who really loves me and is such a good human being beneath it all. I have the best- smartest, sarcastic, sassy and most loyal- friends a girl could ask for. I have an incredible family, who have been through a LOT this year and whom I've been so happy I could be here for and more who I am grateful for being here for me. I am fit, healthy, strong, happy and I like myself. It feels good to be here. It feels good to be me. Maybe all the shit was necessary. Maybe it was just a hole I dug myself and had to pull myself out of. Maybe it was fate or karma or penance for my sins, but none of it matters now because I chose better.
And this is it.

F.

Basically, when I look at you, the whole world falls away. It's as if someone switched on a spotlight and you and I are the only things in this circle of bright white light. Everyone, anyone, everything else could be out there in the darkness but I don't care, I don't even notice there is nothing else outside of us.
Sometimes I leave you, forget for a little while what it's like to feel so whole. Drift away and enjoy being a separate being again. But it's just a matter of minutes, no more than mere few hours before I ache for you. I see your face- your beautiful face!- burned into my brain and I stop at nothing to get back to wherever you are. Before it pains me anymore. Before you realise I might be gone and hope (dear God do I hope) that the thought never crosses your mind that I might not come back.
But I do. I do, I do! And when I do, I put my face right close to yours, I stare and I realise while you know nothing of the world, you know me, and I do. So I will show it to you, I will give it all to you. Because you show me myself, because you give me myself.

Modern Life

"...nuzzling the ear, inhaling shampoo, quickening breath, muttering poetry, solidifying and liquefying groins, a firm breast in one hand, knicker elastic in the other, a shuffling of position, an arching back, a click, a snap, a bustle, a zip, a "don't" and then a "do", an "ooh" and an "ah"..."

$

Exchange your self-loathing for cash,
Turn it into something you can use.

Loves Her

Evan Rachael Wood. x

The Divine and The Extremely Anaemic

Dad's lips and eyes, Mum's nose and face... Our divinely beautiful little creature.

We exist in secret

and shall not be shared.